I never thought I would be able to write this post.
After 4 years and three months of infertility, I took a pregnancy test in the early morning hours of Labor Day and saw what I had prayed for countless times — a positive.
I woke up that morning a little after 4 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I had decided the day before that this was the morning I would test, but when you have seen the opposite of what you want so badly for so long, trust me, it can be very hard to make yourself go through with it. I prayed and asked God to help me rest and go back to sleep, but after an hour of tossing and turning, I finally got up to go take the test. As I opened the package, I prayed fervently that God would not let me see another negative. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to look at another negative pregnancy test. Please Lord, have the power go out, send an earthquake, set off the smoke alarm…whatever it took, just send me a sign if I’m not supposed to take this test.
But nothing like that happened, and I took the test. I had the lights on a low dim, but there was no mistaking it — there was a second line. No squinting, shaking, or blacklight required. I was pregnant.
A complete freakout would have been justified, but I didn’t start screaming…right away. I calmly put away the box of pregnancy tests and snuck out of our room and went downstairs to look at the test in full light. I then called my sister (because let’s be honest, SOMEONE had to tell me that I wasn’t actually dreaming) who blessedly answered her phone at 5:30 in the morning. I sent her a picture of my test so she could see it herself, and it was then that the screaming and crying ensued.
I got to do that day what I had dreamed of for so long: tell my husband that we were expecting a child.
We were having a belated birthday party for my husband that day, and we somehow pulled ourselves together to act relatively normal. We only told a couple of people that day, including my mother in law, who thankfully thought to take this picture of us together!
Although 8 weeks have passed, the joy, shock, and awe have not dissipated. This pregnancy still seems completely unbelievable. Even after having surgery to remove my endometriosis in the beginning of July, I thought my chances of conceiving naturally would still be slim. Both my surgeon and my reproductive endocrinologist agreed that my best chance of conceiving would be through IVF.
Because of that, I can’t stop thinking about how “cliche” the timing seems. We were on an overseas trip so we were only kind of trying, and we were set to embark on another round of IUI fertility treatments the next month. On our trip, Caleb and I had a long discussion and we both agreed that IVF was not something we were going to pursue (for now), and that these would be our last attempt at treatments. This cycle seemed one of the most unlikely in the long string that would result in a pregnancy. A few days before my positive, I had published a post about God’s timing. It just seems so cliche. And I’m ok with that.
No matter what happens, I can say that I have been grateful for every day that I am pregnant. I haven’t taken anything for granted and have been thankful for every discomfort, bout of nausea, sleepless night, and food aversion that has come my way. I will not stop thanking God for giving us the gift of being parents to this child.
For my friends who are still in the wait, please know that I continue to pray for you.
You won’t hear me telling you that it will be easier for you to hear me make this announcement because I went through infertility (it wont be, because no matter the circumstance, it’s just plain hard to see a pregnancy announcement.)
You won’t hear me making silly statements, like you just need to go on vacation to get pregnant (this was our 6th vacation since trying to get pregnant…)
You won’t hear me telling you that now that we’re pregnant, I totally understand why we got pregnant when we did (I don’t, and am not sure if I ever will.)
Although I have crossed over to the pregnant side, I still feel more connected to those going through infertility than my friends who are pregnant. And I think I probably always will. Infertility isn’t something that you leave behind.
I pray that if this part of my story brings you pain, that it also brings you some measure of hope. I know how hard that can be to hear because there were so many days that I could not even dare to hope. But I know that God can and will work miraculously in your story to grow your family. One of my favorite posts from Elisha at Waiting for Baby Bird was when she challenged us to live in a manner that allows us to “have this crazy hope to believe that God is also going to do something absolutely amazing in return as well,” and to “celebrate their blessings and the hope I have that maybe, just maybe, I am next.”
I launched this website as a teenager, not knowing how much the name I chose for it would mean to me. This infertility journey that God put us on has been the most difficult unexpected reality in our lives, and now this child He has given us is our greatest unexpected reality.
Praise God, to whom all blessings flow!
“When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
“The Lord has done great things for them.”
The Lord has done great things for us;
we are glad.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like streams in the Negeb!
Those who sow in tears
shall reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.”
If you missed Part I, you can read it here!